Point/Counterpoint: Language

Learn the Language or Get Out Milo, I fucking love you, but there’s one thing that really pisses me off about you. You’ve been a lovely dog for the last twelve years, but even after all that time in this place, you still haven’t bothered to learn the language. It’s just fucking absurd. You fucking live in this country, you benefit from this country, the least you could do is learn fucking English. By now you could have had a fluency in English, instead you don’t even speak a single word of it.

Cult Fakes Mass Suicide Just to Off One Member

PISCATAWAY—A local cult was recently found alive and kicking Tuesday night following reports of a mass suicide at their Piscataway headquarters. The cult, the Third Rite, was found in their compound surrounding one dead member. When questioned, members were seen sighing in relief, and insisting that she had it coming. “Thank fucking God, she was so fucking annoying. She’d come to meetings and would just kill all of our ideas. Every single idea we would come up with, she’d just keep going and go

I Do Not Believe in Conspiracy Theories

Listen man. I don’t know how into conspiracy theories you get, man. 9/11, Kennedy’s assassination, aliens, Flat Earth, Area 51, and of course, the entirety of Judaism. I’m pretty well versed in conspiracy theories, man. But let me just say, I might know a lot about them, but that’s only because you’ve got to research something if you don’t agree with it. It helps build your case against it even more. You know what I’m talking about man? I bet you do. But if you don’t, let me spell it out for you

I Do Not Consider Your Feast to Be a Tribute

You mortals sicken me. Each and every year, you attempt to pay tribute to I, Neptune, King of the Seas, and Protector of its Citizens in the dining halls of Rutgers with your “King Neptune Night.” But it is not a tribute. It is an insult. You do not bring me joy with this event, you bring me disgust. Stop eating my subjects. Do you truly believe that to honor me, a God-King, you should take the loyal citizens of the sea, who bow down to me each and every day, and rip them from their homes? Do y

Parents and Children Mortified After Study Finds Fetishes Are Hereditary

NEW BRUNSWICK— After a new study carried out by biologists and psychologists on Busch Campus, researchers have announced that they have found that fetishes are passed down from generation to generation. Following the announcement, every member of the audience and the researchers were all visibly shaking at the thought of sharing fetishes with their parents and children. We asked Rutgers students what they thought about the discovery and the overwhelming reaction has been one of disgust. “I can

I’m the Greatest Lyricist Ever.

Recently I read a list online that Flea sent me that named the top 10 lyricists of all time. It had Bob Dylan and John Lennon as the two greatest lyricists of all time. To that I say fuck you, I’m the greatest of all time. They never even fucking talk about Los Angeles! Not once in any of their songs have I heard them say anything about the City of Angels, the city I live in! Sure they might mention heroin and other drugs in a few songs, but I do that every fucking song. I live for that Californ